In this week, we learnt about the Knapp Model of Relational Development. It consists of 2 main parts (Coming together and coming apart) and 10 stages: 1. Initiating 2. Experimenting 3. Intensifying 4. Integrating 5. Bonding 6. Differentiating 7. Circumscribing 8. Stagnating 9. Avoiding 10. Terminating
Love is sweet, love is beautiful. But when it’s time to break off, it can be painful. This is shown in the recent movie- Chéri
In the first clip, it shows Chéri, a son of a courtesan, falls in love with his mother’s ex-colleague and friend, Lea de Lonval. It was a wide age gap relationship as Chéri was 19 and Lea de Lonval was as old as his mother. It was a forbidden love in the late 19th Century France as it was culturally unacceptable for such couples to exist. Hence, they only managed to get to the stage of Intensifying as they could not encompass themselves into a relational unit within their social networks.
The next clip illustrates the coming apart sequence. They start to reaffirm their roles and individualities- Chéri as a husband in a forced marriage to another young girl and Lea de Lonval as an aging women planning for her future. They progressed into the Avoiding stage of sealing all communications but both of them were hurt from the separation.
This is a classic formular for a relationship breadown : 1. wide age gap (especially if the woman is way older than the man) 2. social expectations( from friends or family). But, I truly believe that if an interpersonnal relationship is strong enough, there is a possibility that the couple can overcome everything.
With people’s mindsets ever changing, we are all more open-minded about our relationships. Roles within a family structure is interchangeble such as women can be the breadwinners of their family. People are willing to accept their soulmates not based solely on their pride but on the stability of their relationships. It is more common nowadays that people get together despite their background, fianacial status or age group as shown in those idol dramas.
Secondly, an interpersonnal relationship consists of a dyad (a unit of 2 people) . No outsiders can influence their connections as a pair if the couples have the determination to overcome rumours and pressure from other. One can see from the strong determination of gay and lesbian couples. In recent years, more and more countries have come to accept their marriages in contrast to a few decades ago, where these couples are deemed as socially unacceptable. It is also shown in the recent news (02/10/09) from Las Vegas Review Journal:
However, practical couples may tell me otherwise. Social pressure, especially within a Asian culture society, has a large part to play in our interpersonal relationships. We frown upon those who are not up to our expectations and forced ourselves to follow certain criteria when looking out for potential soulmates. The age gap issue is very important to most of us although most of us will not mind a gap of up to five years. On the other hand, if the age gap is more than 10 years as similar to the movie, Chéri, one will probably see the disapproving looks from relatives and even abandonment from his/her family.
Despit this, I still want to believe in true love will come true ( an after-effect from those romance stories) ,and there is still a chance which people can get over social pressure and be who they are because the society’s mindset is ever-changing with globalization.
Thus, I do believe that we can make our own choices. I do! 
Chu Yuan
commmediadiscourse Said:
on October 3, 2009 at 11:29 AM
I agree that we have to get past whatever old and traditional beliefs that people have regarding relationships. We have to believe in our own choices, especially matters regarding love.
I strongly feel that one should not succumb to social pressure if one loves his or her mate. We have to fight for our own rights to love. And I do believe in true love too, albeit the many stories of even the loviest of couples breaking up after marriage. One example would be Fann and Chris!
Kai Ting
commmediadiscourse Said:
on October 3, 2009 at 11:31 AM
ooops. i think my last two sentences are phrased weirdly. hmm. I meant that fann and chris are examples of true love. hahahaha.
Edmund Said:
on October 5, 2009 at 3:21 AM
I totally agree that social pressure is the main reasons to relationship breakdown. In this world where nobody is perfect, it is hard to come up with a set of rules where everybody can follow. Therefore there are times where people will be treated as outcast as they do not adhere to the standard set of behavior.This in turn will put his or her soul mate under immense pressure, putting stress on the relationship. The most irresponsible thing for any onlooker of a broken relationship to do is to make unneeded negative comment instead of making constructive positive comments on the couple. And we are all guilty of that.
Celeste Said:
on October 7, 2009 at 2:57 PM
HI CHUYUAN!
Gd choice of movie. I agree with you such a wide age gap is always frown upon. Personally i disagree with it as well. And to make matters worse, it is the woman who is older. What if this ‘love’ was only say.. passion at the moment. What if it dies off? Would the man now be despised by the society if the affair is well known? Does the woman have a family! What if it hurts her family, now the truth is out. These would probably be the after effects of Stage 10: Termination
I thought maybe you could further link your analysis to the Knapp model. And yes I believe in love too!
cforceleste.blogspot.com
Elle Said:
on October 8, 2009 at 1:12 PM
OMG! In my perspective, i view it as incest lol. It’s something like the phantom of opera? However in another way round though. It just seemed so disgusting to me that the age gap is SO big!
Ok it is my stereotype or perception whatever you call it.
Yes we can! We are living in a democratic society so we can make our own decisions!
Good luck in finding your true love! =)
Rachel Lim Said:
on October 12, 2009 at 10:11 PM
HELLO!
I think we have to be open minded too but I can’t bring myself to accept this kind of relationship which involves a young man and a woman as old as his mother! It is just really weird. Perhaps I have this impression due to social pressures instilled in me since young.
It is frightening to think that social perceptions can change! Like how in the past marrying out of statuses was akin to a crime and who knows a century from now young men and older women will become a norm too? Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are already embracing such a relationship.
I do not think I’ll ever marry someone younger than me though. Apart from a probably hotter body, he will not have the same experiences I have gone through to really understand me. He might not be mature enough too. I will be flattered though if someone that young thought someone as old as me were attractive.
Krystal Said:
on October 16, 2009 at 12:58 PM
I could not image myself to be married or even in a relationship with a guy at least 10 years younger than me. However, I think that love is so unpredictable, who knows I might ended up with one (but I think is unlikely as I already in a relationship and I definitely not ‘terminating’ it =P).
I think that if you truely love one person, you would not mind his/her age and any flaws that he/she has. And if both are deeply in love with each other, together they can overcome any obstacles especially the social pressures. You can think these obstacles as a method to strengthen your relationship or to proof that this significant person is really meant for you.
I 100% agree to true love so I believe that there are many many couples out there in the world will not be living in this 10 stages of Knapp Model.
Go find ur true love. It is beautiful, wonderful thing u will ever have. =)
sarah Said:
on October 24, 2009 at 6:44 PM
hello! totally love the clips! I think that we are much different from the generations before us in terms of relationships. I must admit those who come before us, especially for traditional families, cannot really choose who they want to be with. Usually, parents or the elders in the village will pick the soulmate for anyone who is of good age to be married off. Many of the past were “sacrificed” for power, fame or wealth for his/her family or country.
Even till today, we still see foreign brides coming to marry older and less physically attractive guys. I’m sure that they did not have the choice to say “I do!’ to pick their sponse that they prefer. They were forced to leave their homelands and marry a person of a different ethnic group so as to get out of the poverty cycle.
Sally Said:
on November 1, 2009 at 12:08 PM
That’s an intresting movie although I must say I’m not a fan for historical romance.
As we are becoming more open-minded with the infulence from all over the world, people in Asian societies are starting to accept relationships that they used to deem as “abnormal” such as elder sister and brother relationships. I am too, able to accept such realationships as long as there is true love between us. Afterall, all the “abnormal” relationships are defined by someone and not abnormal in nature. Therefore, cultural mindsets should cahnge around the pace of evolution and not the other way round.
♥ junying Said:
on November 4, 2009 at 8:53 PM
The movie looks so bittersweet. I suppose love is blind and has no boundaries. You made me so interested in catching the full movie.
For me, in the movie, I would accept their relationship and love for each other, however when this happens in a real life situation, I believe I wouldn’t feel the same way. If such things happens in the real life, I would end up questioning the motives of the younger man, or older woman. Or if the gender roles were swapped, the motives of the younger woman or the older man. True love may occur, but due to our perception and mindset, we may tend to think otherwise when such a relationship were to occur. Even if their love may be so beautiful.
Does true love exist? I can’t be sure myself, but at least we can all hope.
Nicole G. Said:
on November 5, 2009 at 10:20 PM
I feel that the relationship between Cheri and Lea de Lonval is one which is non-practical as the age gap between them is too big! Maybe I am bias due too the Asian upbringing but i feel that the relationship between the couple would certainly be disapproved.
In terms of financial ability, I am sure that they would not be able to sustain each other as one was an ex-courtesan and the other has only just reach adulthood.
In terms of procreating, I am sure that women after a certain age would certainly have difficulties bearing children and neither do they have the strength to care for children too.
These are only some of the wide range of problems (discrimination, family differences, background differences) that this couple will face ..
Therefore, i feel that all budding couples should consider the practicality of the relationship before actually devoting themselves into a relationship or be prepared to face the difficulties and obstacles.
Nicole Said:
on November 6, 2009 at 10:17 PM
RELATIONSHIPS!
Interestinggg! Sometimes I wonder if we also go through the relationship scripts.
Culture is a defining edge in most relationships and especially so in the Asian context. Our parents play a vital role in selecting our future mate. Of course, they dont directly dictate who we should be dating or marrying but their voices are still heard loud and clear especially when we are together with someone against their wishes.
Inter-racial and inter-religious relationships have been on the rise, as you said and those have caused quite a stir in society today. Racial groups and religious groups voice out strongly against it. It has taken a long long time before we have been able to accept these relationships today. Many in the previous centuries had to bear the brunt of discrimination, verbal abuse and what not so that inter racial and inter religious relationships can exist today.
The videos are interesting too. Large age groups between couples are often frown upon. We usually associate women with older men as gold diggers and men with younger men with older women as… ok, i dont know what you call them but yeah, they are always sterotyped. Seems like everyone is hard to please.
You’re very right to say that we ahve our own choices. however. if those choices affect those around us negatively, would it still stand as right in our eyes? Thats always a dilemma.
rydges Said:
on November 7, 2009 at 10:53 PM
Age doesn’t matter. True love does. Just look at the celebrity couples in our modern contemporary times. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have a age gap of 15 years. But as far as my celebrity grapevine is concerned, they are still happily in love, despite detractors speculating that Demi Moore is a ‘cougar’, a older woman who ‘hunts’ for younger gentleman. My point here is that its cool to have a wide age gap.
This issue of whether the innate differences between two people has been discussed and pondered upon ever since society gained consciousness of the uniqueness of every human being. Literary works such as Othello is an example of Shakespeare thrusting out the idea of whether pure love between two supposedly different people can succeed, (though the issue here is very much of the differences in skin colour, and not age gap). In our modern context, I believe in ‘love has no boundaries’, though cliched it may sound, i believe that it is still an apt adage with regards to this topic.
Cheers
benn Said:
on November 7, 2009 at 11:29 PM
As a friend once told me, “It is you who is in love with her! Not your parents!” But at the same time, who doesnt love their parents? I know a case whereby the rejection of a guy from the girl’s mother caused the girl to develop mental problems. It is really sad to know of two people who truly care for each other to have to go through this turmoil because society refuses to accept them.
mayden Said:
on November 8, 2009 at 12:32 AM
Probably the most important aspect of this matter is to be open-minded. Everyone has been in a situation where they really want to do something but “social expectations” are the things holding them back. We have our rights to voice out our opinions but forcing them upon others is a different thing altogether. Though guilty of it, we should always try our best to make sure such things never happen.
Lim Mei Xian Said:
on November 8, 2009 at 12:47 PM
Differences between the two parties attract them to each other, and in this case it might be the difference in age and experiences in life. Societal pressure can influence decisions on relationships, but I believe that if a couple are truly in love with each other and are willing to stand up for their happiness, they can overcome any obstacle. Ultimately, the decision lies within them.
weihong Said:
on November 8, 2009 at 1:23 PM
It may be true that more and more couple that are not socially accepted are coming together. However, I still think that it is unrealistic. Popular korean drama show are giving people the wrong mindset. It is not that easy to face the pressure exerted by the whole world. These kind of relationship will be easily broken by social standards. So, it is better to not go against social norms.
Justin Said:
on November 8, 2009 at 11:14 PM
i hate to say this but i think the models are rubbish.
firstly, why should we be governed by such models. many a times, these steps in the models are all mixed up. not necessarily must you have love for one another then you get together.
anyway what i think about old man/woman together with young man/woman is nothing wrong. its all about love. its like in the past, a rich man son must marry a rich man daughter. but this is not true. classic examples like romeo and juliet and the butterfly lovers (liang shan bo and zhu ying tai; this is the movie name) show love has no boundaries.
finally, i feel that if you love someone, you would not matter about her age, looks etc because its much more than that.