Friends or foes?
In this week’s post, I would like to introduce a new term- PROXEMICS. What’s that? It is the study of space and distance in communication.(according to my com notes) Admit it or not, everyone does have at least 4 invisible social “circles” surrounding us. It is within our human nature that we allow only certain groups of people enter into certain boundaries of our social comfort zones. These zones include: Intimate, Casual, Social and Public. A friend would definitely reside in one’s intimate circle while a foe would be prevented from entering the casual zone or even beyond.
Anyone who have friends will tell you that finding a true friend is harder than finding a foe as the first impression matters over everything. At the first sight, one’s mind will automatically “categorize” the other party into 2 main groups: 1. People I can get along with 2. People I can’t even bother with. Then, one will pick up a conversation with group 1 on perharps from a casual distance ( about 1.3m and below) while forcing the second group to his social distance( about 4m) or even more.
However, in my opinion, a true friend may not necessary appear in Group 1 as I feel that a true friend does not need to have similar tastes or traits as I do. In fact, opposites might just attract and blossom into true friendship.
With friends like these (BBC online Magazine, 25/9/09)
In the article, the author, Taylor, wrote about how he tried to change his group of friends (who have their own unique traits) by making acquaintance with someone who have almost similar tastes and interests as he does. In the end, the new relationship did not work out as he found that it is “boring” to be around with people of the same ideas as he does.
Usually, there are high chances of opposite attractions because new ideas or viewpoints can be brought into a conversation, making it more interesting.
In addition, it cannot be denied that human beings like “new” things and if the other party always agrees with all your points made, there will be no excitement at all. A very good example is the relationship between men and women. As men thinks differently from women, we get attracted to the opposite gender within an interpersonal relationship.
On the other hand, people with similarities may cause conflicts among themselves, especially if they are the dominant sort of people. This can be seen in even bigger picture such as the trading between China and USA.
These two countries have the same aims of becoming the frontier country of the international trade. Because of their aims, tensions are created from envy and criticisms resulting foes. Of course, they can become best friends if they were to complement each other but it will be a rough road as each of them wants to be the best.
China says US must avoid triggering trade tensions (AFP, 14/09/2009)
Therefore, the point of opposites attract better than similarities can be seen everywhere to a large extent. Despite this, there will always be exceptions of people having close relationships with others who have some similar traits like themselves.
Afterall, it is up to fate.
A really nice video on best friends (opposites do attract) . Enjoy!
Chu Yuan
Krystal Said:
on September 27, 2009 at 1:10 PM
I quite agree that opposite attracts. However, I also think that even though we are different, there are also some similarities. If not, I suppose is really hard to get together as friends or even best friends. Take me and my best friends for example. We are different in terms of what we like to wear, type of music and even subjects but we do share the same liking to food especially desserts (yum), hang out places and types of movies.
As for countries having same viewpoints and creating conflicts among themselves is quite true. Agree that they are similar as the leaders of their country have to think of the welfare of their people; wanting to give the best for them. However, they are different too; having different ideas to increase the welfare of the country and so fro. They are quite different but they can be only just normal friends or even not.
Sarah Said:
on September 27, 2009 at 1:33 PM
Hello!
I feel that people of more similar traits as I do attracts me more than those with more differences. Maybe the theory on opposite attracts is more suited for opposite genders?
I graduated from a all girls’ secondary school and my close friends around me usually have the common interests. Hence, there are topics for us to talk about. However, those who have different interests from me often stayed as common friends.
But, I have also came face to face with my foes who have exact goals as I do. Your essay got me to think about these “old” foes of mine. They do, in fact, have almost similar traits as I do hence, it got us into conflict in the first place.
Hence, I feel it’s best to have friends who have both common and different likes and goals as I do as we can complement each other.
Madeline Said:
on September 28, 2009 at 3:19 PM
HEY!! yupps, there are times when the opposites do attract each other. but for most of the times i think ‘birds of the feather flock together’ do apply. from the first impressions, we will tend to look for people that are similar to us. example if we are chinese speaking, we would tend to feel the barrier between us as we couldnt really find the common topics. and since common topics is what communication about, it will sort of affect the relationship of us with different group of people.
i agree with you that the opposite do attract. till now, i still cant get over the excitment of meeting new people as they sort of expose me to different areas. however, i feel that its always good to have both types of friends so that we can complement each other and still enjoy the common things : )
Elle Said:
on September 30, 2009 at 4:29 PM
actually sometimes the one who knows you best is your foe.
friends can become foe and v.v. so you will never know what happens next though. Today you may be friends but who knows maybe tmr you will be enemies. I guessed such issues are unpredictable and definitely fate plays a role here.
and yup opposites do attract where like ones repel. this is just the natural course of relationship i guessed?
commmediadiscourse Said:
on October 3, 2009 at 8:02 AM
It has always been said that opposites attract. However, I feel that it’s quite difficult to live with someone who is completely opposite from you. I really can’t imagine myself living with someone who has complete opposite ideals from me. Probably I’m more of a person who will get a mate with more similarities as me than differences.
And yes, I do agree that finding a true friend is more difficult than finding a foe. Maybe the true friend just does not appear to be one, but is in fact one. Haha, do I make sense here?
do comment on my new blog post!
Kai Ting
http://commmediadiscourse.wordpress.com
Celeste Said:
on October 7, 2009 at 3:12 PM
HI CHUYUAN!
I agree with your analysis. Friends do not necessary need to have to have similar interests or behaviour. If we discuss this in interpersonal relationship context, your friend could possibly complete you, like a romantic relationship. For example, if you tend to be very hot tempered, having a friend who is cold headed and calm, she could pull you back in situations and this helps you to think clearly first before you do anything. This benefit exchange can be used to explain the exchange theory as well.
But, I think that, when we make friends, we should not be focusing on thinking, “Oh what will this friendship benefit me.” This is scrutinising and judging the other person before you actually get to know him/her. But rather, I think that friendship should be made because we genuinely want to do so.
Would have like to read more about your analysis of other proxemics- casual, social and public as well
cforceleste.blogspot.com
Feng Said:
on October 25, 2009 at 2:37 PM
I think it boils down to ur characteristics and preferences. Opposites or similaraities? It doesn’t really matter to me as long as they are my loyal companions. Either one can bring u different experiences. Friends can become foes and vice-versa. There are many factors that influence the intensity of relationships. There are no definite lines drawn between the different proxemics/social circles. Hence realtionships can also move in or out, depending on our communication with each other (which fundamentally forms our relationship stages).
♥ junying Said:
on November 4, 2009 at 7:59 PM
My best friend and I are very different. We have different taste in fashion, different taste in music, different taste in food, different taste in guys too (haha), but I think it is this level of understanding we have for each other despite our differences that makes us so close to each other. Also we are on the same level of communication (able to understand what we are trying say, and our NV cues) and we learn to accommodate to each other’s differences.
Sometimes, for me the people that I dislike (I refuse to use the word hate) has actually quite a lot in common with me. And it is so interesting how I can be best friends who someone I am so different from, but dislike a person who has perhaps similar interest as I do. (Of course clearly if the other party has the same taste as guys with me, you’ll know a cat fight is to occur!)
I guess some times it is really hard to understand why you can click with another person. Things just happen over time. (Cause I forgot to mention that I actually disliked my best friend before actually overcoming my dislike and started being friends with her). It is really amazing how relationship works.
Nicole G. Said:
on November 5, 2009 at 9:59 PM
I feel that on 1st sight, similarities play the biggest role as it help to bring 2 stranger together. The tendency to gravitate towards someone who seem similar to us is so as to remove any uncertainties and differences. But being too similar will also have its negative impact. It can make a relationship boring.. stagnating off with no progress.
However, if there are differences between 2 people, despite the differences that they share, they can make a relationship interesting with dyadic dynamics which will certainly pump in new energy to the relationship every now and then, thus creating a lasting relationship.
Li Yin Said:
on November 5, 2009 at 11:12 PM
Hello! First things first: People form relationships with different kinds of people for different reasons. Meaning, whether either similarities or differences are the determining factor behind relationship formation depends on the purpose of the person in wanting to form that relationship. In the case of a toy car enthusiast, for example, his objective in forming a relationship due to his desire to find a fellow hobbyist will result in him emphasizing on similarities. On the other hand, when wanting to find a girlfriend, he may consider both similarities and differences. What are the similarities between him and this girl? Do these similarities provide a greater platform for interaction and does he value these similarities? Same goes for the differences part. Yep.
And yes, I agree with Jun Ying on how it’s really amazing how relationships form and grow. Take for example, the relationship between my best friend and I. Well, she’s 4 years younger than me. You may wonder how it was even possible that we could relate to one another so deeply because we’re in different age groups, undergoing different life stages (she’s in RGS, Secondary 3) and yes, we stay at the opposite ends of Singapore. Indeed, it’s been an amazing journey, and certain amount of reflection was required to see how the relationship blossomed into what it is today. As what I’ve typed in my Comm blog. =)
Nicole Said:
on November 6, 2009 at 10:37 PM
Hey!
I agree totally that opposites attract. However, it can be quite disastrous if the two are so different that they are constantly arguing about their differences. I believe its very important for a couple to be able to complement one another.
True friends should be given awards! They really go through the thick and thin with us,never giving up with us and sharing with our joys above all. And it’s actually quite funny to hear how good friends meet. Some speak forth about how they really disliked each other, and others were actually enemies. It’s really hilarious.
Proximity does play a very vital role because its also part of body language. If i notice someone standing a huge gap away from me during a conversation, i’ll interpret that person as not interested in our conversation. Either that or I smell really bad. HAHA. Both ways, it communicates across the person’s interest.
benn Said:
on November 7, 2009 at 10:57 PM
Definitely we will not be able to find someone who agrees with us on everything under the sun. However, we must take special care as not to find someone with vastly different opinions as that will probably not work out well. I guess the key really is to strike the right balance.
Lincoln Said:
on November 7, 2009 at 11:00 PM
Hi Chuyan,
I do agree about friends being opposites and how interesting things would progress from there as both parties are exchanging ideas from very different perceptions.
Personally I do feel that majority of the population would agree that hanging out with someone else who has differing views about some stuff is interesting and they would continue along as good / close friends. However, this is limited to how much one can accept the “difference” in the other person’s opinions, there is a limit i believe.
At some point in others lives they do make snide remarks and comment about people who are different from them. I do remember how my classmates and unfortunately i, when we teased and poked fun at others as they are different. Weird. Strange. Foreign.
People think hanging out with people with different opinions and views is fun and interesting only when the latter has views that are acceptable and not in conflict with the former’s interests or if the latter was cool or more socially appealing.
Unfortunately this society is mundane and almost everyone is just that tad bit superficial.
However, one must strive to be open minded and accepting to everyone, be it if the people’s ideas do differ too much from your own perceptions and point of views.
For the record, though many says differing views are interesting, everyone is hanging out with people who are more or less with the same personality and interests. Hark, birds of the same feathers do flock together(:
mayden Said:
on November 8, 2009 at 12:40 AM
There are times where we would fall into bad company and mess up our lives. But at the same time, this bad company could really be your true friends. After all, friends that kick together, stick together. By going through thick and thin due to all the troubles that we may make, an unbreakable bond of friendship could be created. This sounds a little contradictory but what do you think? Does a friend who always gets you into trouble but never fails to stick with you through it be called a real friend? Just a thought =D
Cindy Said:
on November 8, 2009 at 12:46 PM
I think you have to find the balance between similar traits and different traits. For instance, if one has a pet peeve about cleaniness and he or she meets someone who is untidy, I don’t think that their realtionship will work our well.
For opposite traits, I have to admit, it’s attractive sometimes. For for most of the time, the people involved would have to communicate so that they will get the best deal for everyone. Examples such as outings would have to cater to both parties’ interests so that no one will feel “cheated”. Yupp.
Rachel Lim Said:
on November 8, 2009 at 8:08 PM
Hi there!
First things first.. So i belong in the category of people you can get along with right??
Anyway I agree with Li Yin’s comment up there! About how sometimes it is not similarities or differences that attract people to each other and that it may very well be the purpose of forming a relationship that pushes one to look for similiarties or differences. On a personal however, the people i mix with often have a mix of both similarities and differences. Similarities so we can click, and differences so our different views can add some color and vibrancy into our conversations.
Justin Said:
on November 8, 2009 at 11:54 PM
what i feel is that friends mainly have similar traits. there would be a main topic for everyone to talk about. there are very few instances where friends are of totally different traits, but there are as shown by some posters here.
for me, as i am a leo, i love lots of friends around me. hence i have friends who are totally different and some similar ones. ok , a bit off topic, but my point here is that we should embrace each others differences and unify together because of one’s similarities.